A Toddler’s Pervasive Drive for Autonomy: From the Perspective of Lived Experience
The Watcher
As an infant, I was described as passive. Meaning, I was a “watcher.” I would stare at people with my “big” eyes. My mother even says I would stare at the nurses while having immunizations and wouldn’t cry. I find that so hard to believe, because I am hyper sensitive to pain and touch.
I also find it hard to believe, because for the first few months of life, I cried. A lot. I was a fussy, colic baby. I personally know what it’s like now to have a colic baby. I experienced a similar set of events with my first child.
Even through toddlerhood, I was described as “difficult to get a smile out of.”
Jenna G. Mamidi, M.S., CCC-SLP
Even through toddlerhood, I was described as “difficult to get a smile out of.” I’m sure multiple influences explain this, but the idea that this type of expression was perceived as “grumpy” and “stubborn” is not fair for autistic children. This expression, is the cause of many things. Sometimes, it is a resting face, discomfort, confusion, thinking, content, happiness, and more!
Pervasive Drive for Autonomy
As I grew into toddlerhood, so grew my Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. Or, more clinically known, Pathological Demand Avoidance, a profile of Autism. I don’t really like this term, though. I didn’t coin “Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.” Emily Wilding is the source of this rebranding of PDA, and a lot of adult PDAers tend to feel the same.
My family describes my toddler self as “stubborn” and “needing to get my way.” They say that no group choice existed, it was always my choice. I got my way. This type of behavior is easy to describe from an outsider. Growing up, it didn’t feel to me like I was “getting my way.”
I think this is an important distinction. Adults tend to label children based on perceived, outward, and in the moment behaviors. This is doing a huge disservice to children. We should always be curious and inquire the “why” behind behaviors. Where is that child unsupported? And how can we better support that child? And most importantly, how can we validate that the way they are is perfectly fine?
Toddler Perspective
Anxiety plays a huge role for me. It always has. As a toddler, my perception was that I couldn’t do things. My 3 year old self wasn’t thinking in those moments “I won’t.” I had anxieties that drove my decisions. I needed to control the things I could.
This control was a must. It took over simple decisions, and was the main reason for my hyperactive “NO” response.
When my family saw me as “stubborn” and “bossy,” my toddler self began to internalize all of those labels thrown on me. Instead of understanding my anxiety and receiving support, I internalized that I was stubborn and bossy. Even if you aren’t using terms like these, your attitudes towards children are understood this way.
The problem with this, was that, as a toddler, I developed misunderstandings of myself and my actions. This was the beginnings of being gaslit by others. The consequence, was years and years of seeking outside validation and understandings, because I learned not to trust my internal signals.
Reparenting My Toddler Self
I want to send a message to my toddler self.
I want you to know that it is OK to make the decisions you do. Your feelings are valid. You were comforted by controlling the things around you and that is good. It is so great that you had comfort.
The adults in your life did the best they could with the support and information they had at the time. It’s easy to see adult family members as able to do anything or support any needs a child has. But they are human too, and have their own trauma, experiences, and support needs.
You have a divergent brain that others just don’t understand yet. But they will in time. Your brain is such an important part of you. It is necessary to society as well. So, it is ok to love it and follow where it takes you.
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Thanks for sharing! Love the message to your toddler self.
Thank you! I love that part too!