The toddler tantrum. Chances are, if you haven’t experienced one of these as a parent, you can expect to soon. This scenario can be intense and overwhelming for both toddlers and parents alike. I want to share with you some things that I do in my home that can help you prevent tantrums. As a speech language pathologist and mom of 2 toddlers, I know all too well how toddler tantrums can impact a family and day to day life.
“Your child doesn’t tantrum to manipulate or control you. They don’t tantrum because you’re a bad parent, and you don’t need to discipline them.”
Jenna G. Mamidi, M.S., CCC-SLP
The first thing to do, is to understand why toddlers have tantrums in the first place. I mean, let’s pretend to be a toddler for just one minute! They’re small, and need a lot of help. They can’t always communicate well, so people misunderstand them! They’re young and still need to learn so much, so they get frustrated trying to do things. And….. they constantly hear the word “NO” and are told what they CAN’T do! No wonder why they resist!
Your child doesn’t tantrum to manipulate or control you. They don’t tantrum because you’re a bad parent, and you don’t need to discipline them. What this really is, is your child’s self regulatory system and self advocacy skills developing. This is a great thing. So, in an effort to help your child, here are my tried and true techniques to supporting toddlers and preventing tantrums.
1. Swap Out
If your child spies something they shouldn’t have, like a sharpie, bottle cap, or an electronic cable. Then, very quickly, I mean quickly! Grab something else they CAN have (like a plastic bowl, small toy, anything!) And act all excited about it …… while secretly hiding the off limits item! This always works for us as long as we 1. Act SO excited about the TOY. And 2. We act soon enough BEFORE they even have a chance to get the off limits item into their little hands!
💛 Try keeping fun kitchen stuff around as replacement toys! Like silicone cupcake liners, plastic bowls, fun kitchen stuff is our GO TO for replacing off limits items!
It’s important to note that I do this when my child hasn’t gotten the off limits item. If they have something they shouldn’t have that can be dangerous, then I make sure to always explain why they can’t have the item.
“This bottle cap is dangerous and you might choke. I need to take this to keep you safe. Let’s play with this instead.”
2. Offer
For this one, I put 2 offers out. I’ll say something like “do you want a snack OR do you want to play with your car?” This is a great technique to use while out of the house to help prevent tantrums, by avoiding boredom. Toddlers want to feel like they’re in control and this gives them a bit of control. Even though it may seem better to ask them “what do you want to do?” This type of question is too open ended for a small child.
It can be valuable to bring activities for children when you leave the house, even just for quick trips. Offering choices, lets children feel in control.
3. Whisper
This next one can help both you and your toddler at the same time! Since not all toddler tantrums can be prevented, (I hope you didn’t think they could be!) your little one may end up having a tantrum. The next time this happens, try whispering, or just toning it down a bit with your actions and words.
A lot of parents feel uncomfortable while their child is having a tantrum. Parents may even try to distract their tantruming toddler with videos, toys, or a change in environment! Rushing in, might make the adult feel better, but may startle, or invalidate a child’s feelings.
Instead of rushing in to distract a child from their own feelings and frustrations, try sitting quietly near them. This is a form of co-regulation. It will help you, as an adult, not get caught up in your own feelings. It will also show your child that you are there for them if they need.
4. Give Space
Since we now know that we cannot prevent all tantrums, you may want a few things to try if your child is struggling. Supporting your child should be the top priority. If your toddler is experiencing a tantrum and are not in danger of hurting themselves or damaging anything, then try giving them some space.
Some children experience meltdowns in addition to tantrums. The difference, is a meltdown stems from sensory overwhelm. A tantrum stems from frustrations. This is a tremendously simple way of explaining the two. Everyone, even adults experience both tantrums and meltdowns. We just may call it something different.
Your toddler may be experiencing overwhelm, and you being too close, may be more triggering for them. If you sit quietly near your child and they seem to get more triggered, try giving them more space. Stay in the room and let them know you’re still there for them.
Professional Note: If you believe you or your child may be experiencing sensory meltdowns, you should seek professional help. Being unsupported through this can cause more damage to relationships, self esteem, learning and growing. Contact us!
5. Breathe
“Big exhales help regulate and reset the nervous system.”
Jenna G. Mamidi, M.S., CCC-SLP
And now for the last one on our list! This one came from my cousin Rebeka. This tried and true method has worked with her girls so well that I just had to give it a try myself. We use this one in our house on a daily basis with a high success rate. The trick to this one is to know when to use it. It’s best used when your toddler gets hurt and is crying. It can also be used for some other situations so try it out!
Sit with your child facing you. Put your hand on their chest (if they tolerate it), and tell them to “take a breath.” Do it with them, over exaggerating taking in a deep, deep breath and then letting out a BIG exhale. Repeat several times! If your toddler doesn’t quite understand what taking a deep breath is, you can practice while they’re calm by pretending to be the big bad wolf in the 3 little pigs story. And you can also try blowing pom poms or crumpled pieces of tissue paper across the table!
Big exhales help regulate and reset the nervous system. This technique can help both you and your child!
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